ZestVlog

This season is turning a bit into a frostbitten Love Island. The excursions they go on during the day — like horseback riding and snow-drift dune buggying or whatever the hell that was — are nothing more than filler. There’s a little bit of interpersonal drama, but it is settled pretty quickly. What we’re left with is talking about who is interested in whom and why and Amanda leaving dinner early to puke all over the front of her sari. I’m not saying I hate it, but it does seem a little one-dimensional.

Speaking of the beef, let’s get that out of the way first. Casey has been going around the house telling everyone that her friends who knew Kory’s girlfriend Sam in college think she’s trash. I could have almost excused it if she was just doing it to hype up Jordan to act on her crush on Kory, but then we see her do it again, and she’s not hyping anyone up, just tearing them down. The next morning, she thinks of speaking to Kory, but Kyle McGill Cooke, a reality television professional, knows how the game works and informs Kory what she said before Casey has a chance to fess up.

Before Brian Benni’s Bollywood dinner, someone asks Kory if he’s had a chance to talk to Casey yet, and he says no, he’s going to do it in front of everyone to make it as awkward as possible. See, this man has learned from Kyle. When he tells her to stop calling his girl trash, Casey responds in the most sensible and honest way possible. She says she grew up going to boarding school, and when she’s in an uncomfortable situation with new people she reverts back to the cattiness she learned in high school as a way to bond. As someone who has met all of his best friends talking major shit, I am the same kind of girlie. Casey tells Kory that she shouldn’t have done it; she feels bad, and she’s sorry. Beef squashed. Gosh, it’s almost gone so fast it’s boring. Well, it’s at least gone until Sam shows up in a couple of weeks.

Speaking of new arrivals, Below Deck veteran Rhylee Gerber stops by because she’s driving her fan cross country. Based on what we know of the hot-tempered (and often mistreated) deckhand, that totally tracks. What also tracks is that she has a steer skull on the front of that van and is wearing flip-flops in 30-degree weather, hilariously pointed out by the editors. I have high hopes for Rhylee, but so far, we only see her in the context of Brian maybe having a crush on her. (I mean Brian Benni because this Brian already has a crush on her.) She’s already had a star moment when Brian says that he doesn’t really chase women. “You’re a man, so maybe you should,” she says, not as a question but as a very, very firm statement. Maybe Rhylee should be a little bit more forceful. The only woman we see Brian talking to a bunch is his mother who he has to call like 74 times while trying to make a chicken curry for the house.

Brian and Rhylee are just setting things up, though some couples are already developing in the house. The major coupling, of course, is Danielle and Alex. The episode starts with the two of them in bed together after a night of P in the V S-E-X. When Amanda arrives, we learn that she and Danielle have gotten very close over the last few months. Hmmm. I wonder why that is? Does it have to do with a lack of sandwiches being made in Danielle’s life? Hmmm. I wonder. Anyway, the first thing she tells Amanda is that she and Alex are hooking up, but they’re just having fun.

Things start to go wrong throughout the day because Alex is such a flirt. While Danielle and Katie are getting ready, he sits on her bed and says, “I can’t believe I have to pretend not to stare at that ass all night.” Aww. That’s a sweet thing to say to the person you’re having sex with at the moment. But then Katie says that her leotard is really riding up, and he says, “Lucky leotard.” Dude, Danielle is just there! And if he’s giving everyone these sexy compliments, how is Danielle supposed to feel special?

It gets even worse when he’s talking to Jordan. He tells her that he’s not happy with some of the decisions he’s made on the trip. He says that he just gets into party mode and goes with it. Basically, he’s saying that he doesn’t really want to hook up with Danielle; he just took the opportunity, and now he feels bad about it. What he’s implying is that he would much rather hook up with Jordan and that he wouldn’t think that was a mistake. Did he really think that Jordan was going to fall for that? She doesn’t seem like the type of girl who would want a guy who would treat another girl so shabbily. She’s been celibate for 18 months. She’s not dusting off those cobwebs for some fuckboy.

Luckily, she tells us that now that he’s hooked up with Danielle, there’s no chance for him. Perfect. Yes. As my imaginary husband Kyle Cooke says, this is not an environment that allows for casual sex. These people are stuck together 24 hours a day for two weeks. Once you’ve boned, you’ve set yourselves apart, and you can’t be hooking up with other people. But when they all go out to the bar and Danielle gets the phone number from someone who looks like he just fell off the Rainbow Bridge on the way to Asgard, Alex is hoping that they bone so that he can not feel bad hooking up with someone else, namely Jordan. I mean, I don’t blame him. Not only is Jordan gorgeous, but she also has by far the best outfit for the Indian feast.

The final couple is Katie and Tom Schwartz, and I have déjà vu all over again. Tom says that he can’t hook up with her because she has the same name as his ex-wife, sandwich impresario Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard for a number of reasons. First, he says it would be disrespectful to Katie. Um, he wasn’t thinking about this when he kissed Raquel/Rachel, the one person she asked him not to hook up with? Also, he disrespected her for much of their marriage. Is he going to start respecting her now? And now Katie MSM is totally over him and basically never wants to talk to him again. She doesn’t care what Tom does at this point.

When Danielle talks to Tom about it, she tells him that she usually goes by “Floody,” a play on her last name, Flood. (I can’t believe we’re at a Katie F and a Katie MSM point like we’re in kindergarten.) Also, her first name is Kate or Katherine or something like that. Use one of those names. Sure, it might be a bit of a mental block, but she’s clearly into him; he should just go for it. The problem, as Malia points out, is that he isn’t really her type. Tom’s out here catching strays when Malia says she usually dates “chiseled, direct, good-looking men.” Sure, our Tom is doughy and about as direct as a flight with three stopovers, but isn’t that way harsh, Tai? At least the episode ends with Tom finally taking charge and sucking face in the back of a van. What else would you expect from a Below Deck cast member? They love a mobile makeout. And at least the producers got what they wanted, which is more and more Bravo-centric couples.

VULTURE NEWSLETTER

By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Notice and to receive email correspondence from us.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7t8HLrayrnV6YvK57wKuropucmny4tc2tnKtlmKTCtLGMq5ycmaBiwKat0qilZmtdmr2qv86dnGZsXaiurrGMp5imnV2jvG6zwKacZ6Ckork%3D